wow, dealing with reality is so difficult for me. i like to be disillusioned. i like to have someone else to focus my time and energy on instead of feeling like i have to focus on myself. mostly, i am a wreck. ilona breaking up with me affects my sense of self in a way that i don't know that i can handle. that is the weirdest thing about a relationship - losing yourself in it. i envy her for not allowing herself to drift away from the core of who she is. throughout the course of this weekend, and the feelings of losing her, i have had so much to wrestle with in my own mind.
who am i?
who was i with her?
it's basically just the passing of time that hurts so much. people recover and move on. they live their lives, they love again. i felt this way with anna and i have moved on from her in so ways that make me a stronger and healthier person. i just feel like the people around me will not give me enough support sometimes. i hate looking at couples and happy people.
losing ilona is so different from losing anna, though. with anna, i knew that we were not meant to be - we had become unhealthy in ways that i could never imagine. i lost myself in her in ways that i honestly knew i had to leave the relationship in order to figure my own self out. with ilona (don't get me wrong, i feel incredibly lost right now) but i don't think that i was unable to distinguish what i wanted from what i didn't want.
what i wanted, though, was too much for her. i don't think, and i really don't, that i wanted to be with her forever. at least not in a was that i was dillusional about it. the thought of us being together did not scare me, in fact it was somewhat comforting - but i knew that there were risks i would have to take and emotions i would have to keep/surpress in order to keep her around.
maybe that is the reality that i am so afraid of. i always felt like i was deperately trying to keep her around. that is unhealthy for me. and her. i just never understood how she could love me so much but not want to be with me. it is easy i guess. anyone who feels forced, backs away. if i could have loved her in a healthier way (meaning not putting any pressure on the situation) she probably would have found herself in my same boat.
i do that to people. i mentally push them to feel as though they agree with me. maybe i do it because i am impatient and don't want to wait for them to make up their own mind. i know that ilona would have wanted me to move to NYC if I hadnt put the burdon of other situations on her. it is my fault and that is what drives me crazy. some of it is my fault. i convinced her and myself that i wanted more than i actaully did in order to stay put. i knew it was wrong but i tried so hard to make it seem right.
she left me, left me, turned off her cell phone and flew. not to me but in the opposite direction. she fucked my world up.
i am so horribly unhappy and am unsure where to focus my attention. where do i direct myself in this downtime? i can't eat. i can't sleep. i feel utterly alone and abandoned. i do not wish to be with someone else, though, simply because i cannot be with her. i really did want to make it work with her. she was the love of my life. i really feel that way.
then, in the same thought pattern, i feel as though i just need to move on from her becaue she wasn't meant for me. i guess that is one thing that ilona has more control over than i do. she is/always has been able to focus more on the bad than the good. maybe that makes her a realist. maybe that makes her a pessimist. either way, it is much easier to leave a situation that you perceive as bad rather than good. as unhealthy rather than healthy. but in the end ,that is what pushed her away from me. she focused on my faults rather than my positive traits and that allowed her to walk away.
if i could only do that with her.
also, if i could only give up, maybe i would be in a better posistion. i cannot allow myself, though, to leave this as is. i miss her and i love her. how can i give up? i feel like i have given up on so many circumstances and this one might be worth fighting for.
then again, if i fight for her and she doesn't come back on her own, doesn't that put us in the same predicament? prolly so. i know, though, that if i let her leave me without trying to convince her otherwise that i will not be able to come back to her when she decides that she wants me. if she hooks up with someone else, i don't know if i will be able to handle it. i don't know if i can forgive her when it is on her terms.
good goddamn i love that woman.
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